Aadrita Chatterji

Have you ever been stabbed in the back?

When it happens to us for the first time, we are disillusioned. The PBT Institute tells us that we undergo the five stages of grief, which are commonly felt after a breakup or a divorce. It is not easy to ‘move on’ after people we trust abandon their commitment to us, no matter how deeply it hurts. This could be family, friends or, more commonly, a partner. Society tells us to forgive and forget, but it rarely considers the mental and emotional stress of holding on to the wrong people. Where there is no respect for us, we must choose ourselves to preserve ourselves.

Relationships Are Important, But Not Necessary

We start forming relationships even when in our mother’s womb, as we listen to the sounds outside our protective space.  She nourishes us, talks to us, and comforts us when we are still vulnerable, unaware of the outside world. When we are born, we slowly and steadily build relationships with people and places around us. Our world moves beyond our mother, and starts including our father, grandparents, uncles and aunts, cousins and friends. Society teaches us that relationships are integral to our survival because humans are social beings.

More than love, perhaps, respect remains the foundation of these relationships. We can respect without love, but we cannot love without respect. Respect is earned, but never guaranteed. Healthy relationships foster a positive identity, balanced perspectives and an emotional safety net. One-sided efforts impact one’s self-pride, a common theme in human relationships. Betrayal permanently breaks our sense of trust and belongingness, which rarely pieces back together.

Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.

Steve Maraboli

Not Every Relationship Deserves To Be Upheld

What happens when those relationships become the bane of our existence one day? Everybody wants to be the perfect child, the parent, the friend and the romantic partner, if possible. Nobody thinks of destroying these relationships unless it seriously impacts their physical and emotional health. While maintaining bridges is important, we must consider the side effects of always being the good person, the one who forgives and the one who forgets. We have played that role too many times, but this time, we choose ourselves.

Despite the hurt and betrayal, we are expected to respect those with whom we have a shared history. They could be authority figures, such as parents and teachers. They could even be colleagues, friends and romantic partners. They could be anybody who used to mean something to us, but does that warrant constantly repairing bridges that they are not interested in mending? Manipulation, emotional blackmail and disrespecting boundaries are common, but preserving our identity is perhaps the hardest and the most freeing course of action.

Though it feels strangely lonely once you make the decision, it soon feels freeing.

Aadrita Chatterji

Giving Up Versus Moving On, And The Resulting Peace

Compromise, sacrifice and adjustment are part of a relationship. One must be admired when they go above and beyond for their loved ones, even when they might not always want to. Dividedness, at times, is natural. Effort makes sense only when the other person in question says, feels and does the same for them. One may even have different love languages to express appreciation for their special person, but there must be mutual comfort and endearment between them. When we don’t see that mutuality, it tells us that there’s only us in this relationship. The other has moved on.

Choosing ourselves over the relationship does not mean that we’re giving up on our loved ones; it simply means that we move on for our own well-being. Though it feels strangely lonely once you make the decision, it soon feels freeing. It is not easy to move on, though, especially if we were too invested in the said relationship. Guilt, grief and discomfort will continue for a while, possibly years. The same awkwardness will soon transform us into someone who puts themselves first, especially when the world expects otherwise.

As someone who deeply believes in the transformative power of love and compassion, that we are not alone in wanting to do the right thing. Meaningful relationships make our lives worth living, but the toxic ones slowly chip away at our self-love and self-confidence. As the popular quote goes, we must be wise enough to know the difference. When we move away from what continues to break us, we make space for amazing things.

All we need is the courage to choose better.