Aadrita Chatterji

Patricio Luna’s article (shockingly) reports that 53 per cent of former users have moved away from online dating altogether.

Of course, there is a reason for the sudden decline in sign-ups for dating applications. When Tinder arrived in 2013, people were intrigued by an application that let them swipe left or right on people’s profiles. Matrimonial websites were popular in India several years ago, which were primarily monitored by parents. With dating applications in sight, people realised that they didn’t need anybody’s permission to date anymore. Unlike simply following traditional match-making customs, they now had autonomy in choosing their partners.

The First Impression Becomes The Last Impression

Whether it’s a matrimonial website or a dating application, the goal remains the same: to find a good enough person to marry. Much like applying for a job, we put up our best photographs, use artificial intelligence to write a biography (shortened into a bio), and list our preferences. Unfortunately, our social media profiles aren’t the best way to describe us. Call the writer old-fashioned, but she believes that a lifelong connection builds up over time, usually in common spaces. Swipe left, swipe right doesn’t do justice to that ‘love at first sight’ concept.

Once upon a time, friendships and romance began in schools and colleges, neighbourhoods, workplaces and social gatherings. There is something inherently beautiful about finding love, whether on our own or by our parents’ efforts, through life’s twists and turns. People saw people as people, now replaced by a filter. Much of our lives revolve around optimising our dating profiles, hoping that someone wants to know us beyond our best photographs, our AI-generated bios and shallow conversations with “wyd?”

An angel who makes you cry is better than a devil who makes you smile.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Too Many Options In The Dating Marketplace

Open any dating application or matrimonial website, and we are flooded with choice. In India, we are obsessed with a person’s religion, caste, income, and family status. As the official synopsis of Chetan Bhagat’s 2 States (2009) humorously reads, “Love marriages around the world are simple: Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy. They get married. In India, there are a few more steps: Boy loves Girl. Girl loves Boy. Girl’s family has to love boy. Boy’s family has to love girl. Girl’s Family has to love Boy’s Family. Boy’s family has to love Girl’s family. Girl and Boy still love each other. They get married.”

This means that people are rarely invested in one relationship, because they know that someone better is always one swipe away. They choose to find someone who fulfils all the criteria rather than building an interest in or a connection with the person. Investing time and energy in someone requires us to learn about our date’s personality, interests, and ultimate life goals. What we need today is someone we share experiences with, have natural conversations with, and build our dreams with. In a world of choice, we rarely become someone’s pinned chat.

People saw people as people, now replaced by a filter.

Aadrita Chatterji

People Should Build Better Communities To Date

Beyond dating applications, let us normalise people meeting at cultural events, hobby communities, social networks, and surprisingly… places of worship. We have heard stories of people who found love and partnership at places where interests are common, such as art workshops, book clubs and sports. We do not deny that online dating has given us choice, and somehow managed to push people out of their homes. However, human interaction remains limited on a dating application. When we see each other in public more often, we get to see them in all their states of mind.

We must ask ourselves: why have people resorted to online dating after all, and is it simply because it is easier to be discreet? After all, what is the harm in dating openly with consent? Apart from asking millennials and Gen Z to date offline, we must encourage them to engage with people regardless of their relationship. Though the conservative Indian society is slowly opening to finding love outside of the community, we thank the Gods when our parents and extended family accept our choice. When they approve, we are suddenly emboldened to introduce our partner to the world at last.

When the writer of this essay was looking for a life partner, she wanted someone who understood her fascination with the Harry Potter series. She wanted someone vegetarian, who enjoyed Bollywood music and took her out on weekly dates. When she finally married, it was not to someone who checked all the boxes. It was to someone who treated her with love and respect, supported her writing, and calmed her overwrought writer’s mind. At the end of the day, it didn’t matter that he was unfamiliar with her favourite series, Bollywood, and public displays of affection.

All that mattered was love.