Aadrita Chatterji

In the middle of all the bridal trousseau and jewellery shopping, and deciding the right makeup artist, is a woman with eyes made of dreams and her heart overflowing with hope.

She has been waiting for this day since she was a child, imagining her own version of Amrita Rao and Shahid Kapoor’s Vivah (2006). Whether it’s an arranged marriage or she chooses her partner herself, she is excited yet nervous about her new life. She remembers the little moments of love shared with her fiancé, much like the iconic drinking-water-from-the-same-glass scene between Poonam and Prem. Yet it is the 2020s, and she is practical about what she wants from her husband and her in-laws. She wants to love and serve them, but she wants to remain the main character in her life.

She Is Caring And Loving, But She Needs Space

In many Indian households, the arrival of a new bride brings many centuries-old cultural expectations. She is unlike the twelve-year-old girl of 1930s India: she is raised with equal love and sacrifice by her parents, is educated and well-informed, and makes her life decisions. She is told to be kind and serve her in-laws, but to always stand for what is right. As she adjusts to her new life, she is either seen as self-sacrificing or is carelessly blamed as ‘difficult’.

New brides often try to follow the new house rules, even when they don’t agree to anything on the list. They want to respect their in-laws and maintain domestic peace, which can become a source of quiet irritation and resentment. Her friends tell her that a daughter-in-law is never a daughter, always an outsider. If she becomes more assertive, her in-laws might react violently, or never even express their views. Usually, conflict revolves around lifestyle habits and religion, career restrictions, or domestic skills.

They Want To Show Love, But They Feel Stuck

Indian television soap operas have shown us that in-laws can be the worst people on the planet, especially the mother-in-law. While we have heard stories of cruelty, most families are equally nervous about bringing in a new family member. They are worried about whether she can adjust to traditional expectations, whether she will treat them with respect and whether they will understand each other. They want to show warmth and care to their new daughter-in-law, which can sometimes feel like an invasion of privacy and boundaries to the new generation.

Though it is easier said than done, much of the advice we receive comes from duty and not malice. Our in-laws, like our parents, were raised in different times. For example, many homes do not like the daughter-in-law coming home late. It is not because they don’t want her to succeed in her career, but because they worry for her safety and protection. They will be much less reassured if she’s travelling with a family member or a trusted friend, though the idea of a chaperone is outdated.

Healing The Generation Gap With Genuine Understanding And Acceptance

We believe that love, respect and understanding bring people together. When a daughter-in-law wants to prioritise her mental health, the in-laws must understand that she is a woman with agency. When the in-laws want to uphold certain traditions important to them, the daughter-in-law should understand that she has the choice to say no, but be respectful about it. Of course, there are toxic in-laws, and there are evil daughters-in-law. While in-laws must create a loving and supportive environment for their new family member, the daughter must accept her second set of parents.

However, the husband is not a passive figure but is expected to balance his new wife and ageing parents. He handles communication effectively between the two parties, praises them in public and corrects them in private. As he is closest to both parties, it becomes his responsibility to make them understand that building a new dynamic takes time, patience and compromise. This must be done so that both the parents and wife share a healthy relationship, without compromising tradition and individuality.

When the writer of this essay got married, she knew that there were cultural expectations involved. Being an educated and financially empowered woman, she knew that she had opinions. However, her mother-in-law said something important before the marriage papers were signed. The writer quotes, “You and I come from different generations, but also from very different backgrounds and life experiences. I will make an effort to understand you, and you will make an effort to understand me. And we come halfway to understand each other.”

Coming halfway is perhaps the simplest and most effective solution.