Aadrita Chatterji

Those were the days when we used to think, “How would we ever live without them?”

As we continue to meet new people in life, we add them to little boxes – people we care about, people we don’t care about and people who fall into neither. As life goes on, people interchange between these boxes, get replaced and are forgotten. The writer remembers her schoolmates with multiple best friends, and she used to wonder, “One best friend from their current school. One best friend from their previous school. One best friend from their neighbourhood. How can someone have three best friends? Who is the ‘best’ out of these three people?” She is sure that none of them is best friends anymore.

The Dilemma Of Staying, The Dilemma Of Leaving

First, we must ask, “Why do childhood friendships even matter so deeply?” The answer is simple yet difficult to explain, but perhaps innocence is the right word. In school, we are yet unshaped by the competitive world. We believe our friends will stay in touch through regular phone calls, though many friendships have survived like this. As we move on to college, our circle suddenly includes more new people, and our school memories gradually fade. Now we believe that our friends will stay in touch through regular text updates, though many friendships have survived like this.

The writer was one such dreamer, the kind who held on to things. Such people remember everyone’s birthdays and milestones, and are happy to initiate regular conversations and meetups. They want the other person to make an equal effort to maintain their college friendship, like how movies and television shows do. They have their own busy lives, but their childhood memories still live inside them fondly. One day, when they can’t bear the lack of reciprocation anymore, they don’t stop at, “Oh well, they’ll call back when they’re available.” They cut off communication completely.

The Memories That Once Were, Are Now Replaced

With friendships over shared tiffins and shared notes comes the reality of life. Whether we are a preteen or a mature young adult, our life till twenty is full of cultural milestones. We experience changes in our bodies and minds. We suddenly experience new emotions such as love and heartbreak, and sometimes, rebel against parents and society. As young people finding our way in the world, we want someone to listen to us and understand us as we attain adulthood. When that happens, we want to metamorphose ourselves.

Unlike the writer, others are practical. Their school friendships end once they write their last examination; their college friendships end once they hang out for one last time before their careers begin. Such people don’t reject one person, but perhaps their past identity as they move into a new life phase. They don’t want to stick to the same social circle and prefer to explore new pastures, finding new friends and romantic relationships along the way. This probably explains why most school and college love stories don’t survive beyond a couple of years after graduating.

Eventually, We Make Peace With The Consequences

As we have established, this is not a war of who is a better friend. It is an acknowledgement of different attachment styles, where one wants to maintain a friendship with someone who is long gone. Sometimes, it is not the lack of friendship that hurts. What hurts more is the polite distance that builds up between them, combined with one-sided texts and phone calls, the seeming lack of time and the quiet realisation that their friendship did not survive career changes, migration, marriage, or simply changing values.

Speaking of the dreamer who holds on, what should they do? Should they beg the other person to stay back? Should they blame the other person for not protecting the friendship? Should they let go? Though the journey to inner peace seems almost impossible at first, we eventually choose our dignity. There will be moments that crush us, but with time and patience, the pain will hurt less and less. One day, it will have completely faded away like an old wound. The dreamer will remember, smile and move on.

The writer remembers watching one of the first movies on friendship – the iconic Sholay (1975) featuring Amitabh Bachchan and the late Dharmendra as Jai-Veeru. As she sang “Yeh dosti hum nahi todenge…” at her school farewell party, little did she realise that friendships rarely remain the same, as happens by the end of the movie. Friendships end for several reasons and can hurt more than a romantic breakup, especially when she had always dreamt of living through life’s milestones together. It is not the end of the story, as she continues to meet and engage with new people every day.

In the end, she is her own best friend.