Aadrita Chatterji

Rumours are major characters in society, and that’s how most neighbourhoods, workplaces, family and friend gatherings and even social media function.

Unfortunately, rarely is gossip harmless. When she was a young girl, the writer saw classmates forming cliques and discussing another girl behind her back. As she grew older, she saw the women in her housing societies attending kitty parties. Of course, all of us need friends and companions away from our spouses and families. When does a casual meetup turn into dissecting somebody else’s personal life? In university, she struggled with roommates ‘talking about others when they’re absent’. It told her whom to associate with, and who to avoid for the next two years.

Why Is Backbiting So Addictive?

First things first, talking about other people is a social need. Most of us lead fairly ordinary lives, and the recent neighbourhood scandal suddenly becomes the next thing to talk about. It becomes everyone’s pastime to share information about him, her and them with everybody they meet on the street. That’s when one asks themselves – is this simple interest, or does it mirror their own need for social validation by being a rumourmonger? Do they get a dopamine hit like doomscrolling when they share something nobody else needed to know?

The writer knows someone in her new neighbourhood who collects data on everyone else, and shares it with the same individuals. Most of the time, it is amusing and worth ignoring. However, her habit has led to serious misunderstandings, neighbourhood arguments and broken relationships. Moreover, many rumourmongers find it equally compulsive to invest themselves in social media commentary, reality show drama and film trivia, probably because they don’t have anything interesting to talk about when they’re with their colleagues.

When We Talk About Others, We Sink Lower Than Ever

Rumours become exciting only when someone does something out of the box, and that’s when we should support them more. When we aggressively judge someone’s career break, we expose our limited ideas of what a career should be. When we poke fun at somebody’s unconventional relationship choices, we display our close-mindedness about love, marriage and family. When we comment on someone’s appearance, we tell ourselves that we don’t dare to experiment with our sense of beauty and fashion. Who is to confirm that our way of thinking is the right way to think?

When the writer sees people slandering their friends and colleagues, the only question she asks is – why? Why should we care about what the other person wears, what they work in, how they date and where they live? She believes that when we are content with ourselves, we don’t need to stoop and aggressively pick apart somebody else. As long as the person is happy with themselves, how do their choices matter to us? Why don’t we focus on us instead? Are we so bored with ourselves that we end up bullying someone else for our entertainment?

Let And Let Live, Please!

Coming back to the kitty parties, gossip is a common part of family, friendships and work. These are also places where human beings share what’s on their mind, which is therapeutic. We need a support system to depend on; those who don’t have one ultimately become hyper-independent. Those who spread rumours rarely have friends of their own, unless they are rumourmongers themselves. Nobody wants to spend time with someone who makes them crazy paranoid about becoming the next day’s breaking news.

Instead, we must practice the fine art of minding our own business. Let us not add fuel to the fire, but combat rumours immediately with a disinterested response. “Ah, I didn’t know about it. Interesting,” is much more impactful than our two cents on the situation. Of course, it is difficult to incorporate neutrality into our otherwise dramatic lives. It’s the best way to enjoy a simple, uncomplicated existence with more inner peace, peaceful relationships and a sorted emotional regulation system. It’s boring at times, yes, but it’s worth the quiet.

Of course, nobody is perfect. Everyone indulges in neighbourhood chatter now and then, and most of it is forgettable. It only becomes a habit over time, snowballing into something hard to break. We usually don’t mean ill when we discuss somebody else, but as seen above, it has devastating consequences if the rumour continues. Instead of wasting our time and energy on what our next-door neighbour is going through, let us offer love, support and compassion instead.

As they say, what you say about others is what you think about yourself.